Happy New Year.Who tries to give you a NYE snog?Everyone is far too cool to snog you. Huge cardboard cut-outs connected to party themes (spaceships, Charleston dancers, Empire State Building etc).What happens at midnight?10,000 balloons are released from the ceiling Super-DJ counts down to New Year. Versace suits, black T-shirts and Patrick Cox shoes (boys).What’s the music like?Loud House, Garage, Disco, Funk, Hip Hop, Trip Hop, Hop Scotch.What do you drink?Not much because you are just one of 200 people jammed at the bar, desperately waving a tenner for a bottle of warm lager.What’s the decor like?Lots of black drapes with ultra-violet stars and planets Tinsel. Shifty looking blokes with pony-tails.What do you wear?Anything that last looked good on you in 1988 Support tights. A caftan.What does everybody else wear?Gucci micro minis, D&G bra tops and diamante strappy sandals (girls). They have this misguided notion that they are teenagers again and clubbing will be great.

Foolishly, you have gone along with their mass illusion.Who are the party animals?Anyone who doesn’t remember disco first time around People in silly outfits to fit in with the club’s theme Women with fat cleavages and thin legs Men who wear their shirts outside their trousers. You’re either dancing wildly in the House Hangar (a room so big it could house the promoter’s jet) or trying to find the loos in a labyrinth of corridors.Why are you there?Your friends made you go. Your friends leave you on your parents’ porch to thaw out and say, “same time next year, then?”THE SUPERCLUBWhere are you?In a 3,000-capacity club. Keep drinking so they can’t prise the pint from your teeth.When do you leave?You’re the last sad waster to be thrown out from the lock-in.How do you get home?You crawl of course On your hands and knees through driven snow.

The landlord.How do you avoid them?George Clooney Jnr gets all he can handle The landlord/ex-heart-throb are a different story Zip up your parka and do a “South Park Kenny” impression. Your old school heart-throb, only to discover he’s got enough saliva to keep the Titanic afloat. And what’s all this All Bar One nonsense?What happens at midnight?You all manage to congregate at the same pub at the same time only to discover that by the time you get to the bar it’ll be 2.30am.Who tries to give you a NYE snog?Your best schoolfriend’s brother who, last time you looked, was like the small one out of the Crankies Now he’s a younger, leaner version of George Clooney. Chas ‘n’ Dave followed by Nirvana.What do you drink?Vodka cranberries to start because you’re cool Pints of lager later because you’re too hot Then you move on to Submarines and Butterballs. So who wants to live to 2000?What’s the decor like?Seventies Formica if you’re lucky Olde Worlde horse brasses if you’re not Different This was never an Irish pub when you lived at home. People are dancing on the bar, balancing pints on their heads, showing their knickers.What do you wear?Sensible knickers.What does everybody else wear?Stocking-filler g-strings with fake fur fluffy bunnies on the front.What’s the music like?Juke Box Jury meets Top of The Pops. You need the exercise.Who are the party animals?Every person in the pub This is who can outdo who in the party animal stakes.

THE PUB CRAWL
Where are you?Squashed into the olde worlde pub you first threw up in when you were 14, wondering where all the years went.Why are you there?You came home for Christmas and got stuck. Either way, it’s hard to avoid a shindig on 31 December, so read on. You may be invited to any of the following, so how should one behave? What should one wear to a house party? What should one drink on a pub crawl? You’ll find the answers below Etiquette it ain’t You have been warned. Hasselbaink wrong- footed Steve Howey and slid a low drive past Given’s grasp.. It’s that time of year: when God divides us between those who can’t wait to get a party popper between our teeth and screech “Auld Lang Syne” like it’s going out of style and those who just want to bury their heads under a pillow and unplug the digital clock. Newcastle twice came close in the dying minutes, but they were beaten again in injury time. Nigel Martyn saved comfortably enough but a minute later the Cornish custodian was pushed to palm a Glass volley round his right-hand post.By way of contrast, the low shot Kewell dispatched at the other end just beyond the hour mark did not look strong enough to threaten anything, but Given allowed the ball to elude his grasp and Bowyer tapped in from close range.